


all my love songs belong to you

by kewltie



Series: Magnetic [33]
Category: K-pop, Super Junior
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Post-Break Up, band au, famous/nonfamous AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-10
Updated: 2018-01-12
Packaged: 2019-03-03 07:09:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13336059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kewltie/pseuds/kewltie
Summary: Five years ago, Donghae walked out on his first love and he has been haunted by the could have beens ever since.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> non-chronological order as usual.

**APRIL 2011**

A day is spread out in a twenty-four hours cycle, but a minute is a day and an hour is a year and a day is a lifetime when Hyukjae’s absent is a nearly tangle fissure in the back of his head.

Sometimes it’s feels like Donghae lives by the day only die every night, and is reborn each morning so he can long for Hyukjae all over again.

It’s a vicious cycle, he thinks, this sweeping loneliness that swelled up like a tsunami, burying him under waves and waves of aching yearning.

He’s drowning and Hyukjae is the only air he breathe; when their texts and calls languished between the heavy load of Donghae’s school and Hyukjae’s concert, promotion tour, recording, and the responsibility he owes to the band—Hyukjae’s palpable absent is difficult to swallow and all Donghae can do is wait for a reprieve in Hyukjae’s schedule so that he’ll take notice of Donghae again, then he can relax and _inhale._

But sometimes that waiting feels like a heavy weight on his chest, resentment settling uncomfortable between his ribcage, and Donghae tries not to be selfish, to be a good boyfriend but it’s hard.

It’s just so hard sometimes.

Donghae’s open his heavy-lidded eyes, slipping away from the pull of sleep once again, and lifts the cellphone off of his chest, clutched between his hands. He looks at the time stamped on the screen and 12:49am it reads.

He sighs, weary and wistful, as he swipes through the screen to find the message again. _if you’re not busy and still up later, i’ll call you at 2am once i’m done with the music video shoot,_ the text simply reads on the screen.

Hyukjae had sent it right after Donghae’s afternoon class, and Donghae had quickly texted him back that he’ll be waiting, not even bother to tell Hyukjae that he has a test in the early morning. 

He stares at the screen, willing the time to go faster. Just one more hour, he can last that long, he tries to convince himself but weariness is sunken into his bones and sleep beckons to him like siren call. 

He close his eyes again. Just a ten minutes nap, he tells himself and then he’s drifting off once again.

Donghae jerks up, forcibly drag out of slumber by the heart-stomping knowledge that he might miss Hyukjae’s call, _that he did missed Hyukjae’s call._

He fumbles around to find his phone, losing it somewhere under a pile of sheets and pillows and Donghae’s often violent sleep pattern.

When he finds it again, he looks at the screen: it’s 7:42am and his notification tells him he has one new voice message. Donghae lets out a defeated groan. _He missed it._

Donghae throws himself back onto the bed with loud thump, phone discarded somewhere in the bed and screams into pillow in rage filled disappointment.

He sulks in bed for a couple more minutes before dragging himself out of bed. He turns on his radio, sitting innocuously on the nightstand, and as his room starts to be filled up with with music, he stumbles into the shower, hoping it will wash away his sadness hanging on him like a second skin. Unlikely but still.

Donghae washes himself quickly and brushes his teeth before he walks out of the bathroom, wet and still a sulky mess as the room is flooded with a very familiar and aching voice.

_“I throw myself on the altar of your wantonness, seeking absolution between your thighs,”_ Hyukjae’s voice croons over the airway, _“and salvation is drawn from your lips like crooked smile. Drunk on your lies, Heaven is just a sin away.”_

Donghae shudders as the voice whips pass him, around him, and fills him up. 

“—and that was Bad Decision’s number one single’s _Agnes Dei_ from their debut album ‘ _Lament of the Gods’_ for today’s top downloaded songs on KO Radio,” DJ Aiman says through the radio. _“_ Already, the group’s just released album is making waves among the critics and topping numerous charts, speculations hold that PD may be one of the top contenders for this year GDA’s Album of the Year. Well, I still think it’s too early to assume that but every time Agnes Dei played, I still shudder about it.”

"You and me, Aiman,” Donghae mumbles, walking toward the nightstand and turns off the radio.

Every morning he would wake up to Hyukjae’s voice on the radio and even if it’s just a slight glimpse of it, it always somehow lighten the load on his heart. But it’s also because he can keep track of Para-Dice’s progress and nothing make him happier than hearing people praise the band, praise Hyukjae.

Donghae looks for his phone again and find it laying desolately in a corner of the bed. He reaches for it, holding it in his hand and sits on the edge of the bed as he check for the missed call listing, the most recent one says, timestamp 4:13am and Donghae scoffs, bitter and sadden all over again. Even if Donghae had managed to stay up till 2am, it would be two more hours before he hear Hyukjae.

He clicks on the voicemail icon and presses play as he places the phone next to him on the bed and dries his hair the towel hanging around his neck.

“Donghae, sorry, I’m so sorry,” Hyukjae breathes frantically into the phone. “I know, I know this is really late and you’re probably at sleep now or too mad at me to pick up your phone but there was a problem in the shoot so we had to retakes some shot and the next thing I know it’s already 4am and I’m cursing up a storm because I am a jerk who can’t keep his own promise to you. It’s no excuse, I am just so very, very sorry.”

He sounds desperate, hopeless, and so very, very sad and Donghae smiles. “You’re forgiven,” he tells the phone. 

“But I have something for you.” Donghae hears Hyukjae fumbling in the background before his voice pops back on again.“This is a new song I’m currently writing with Jessica,” he mumbles, and Donghae can clearly hears the nervousness in his voice and that makes him smile even more because no matter how many sold out concerts and critical reviews, Hyukjae is still Hyukjae after all, always humbling and shy about his music.

A haunting tune start to slips through the speaker of Donghae’s phone and it’s clear as day, it’s the sound of Hyukjae’s keyboard filling Donghae’s room in aching melancholy.

“ _I’m a modern of Orpheus, singing the blues and drowning in the river of Ancheron,”_ he starts and Donghae is once again pulled along by Hyukjae’s voice and descends further into an inescapable whirlpool of pain and grief and loneliess that Hyukjae weaves within this song.

When he’s finished, Donghae is left raw and at the tender mercy of Hyukjae’s careful ministration of a lost love. “I think I’m going to call it, ‘In Absentia’,” he says quietly. “I got to go now but I hope you slept well last night.”

The noise cuts off and Donghae picks up the phone, swiping through his text. _I miss you too,_ he sends back, smiling softly to himself.

The things Hyukjae can’t say, won’t say, it’s all written in his voice and the songs he sing and Donghae can hear it loud and clear.


	2. Chapter 2

**NOVEMBER 2017**

“—and I said, if you don’t know your way between EDM and Electronic maybe you should shut your trap about having good taste because clearly you know shit,” Yeri tells him with a slight sneer in her voice.

Donghae stifles a laugh as they carefully navigate the rush of the evening subway crowd with her arm looped around his. “Must you be so harsh to him?”

Yeri pouts, squeezing his arm in a vice like grip. “He was being an elitist ass, I was just correcting him.”

“Of course you are,” he says with a roll of his eyes and gently tries to pry her hand off of him before she cut off his blood circulation completely. “And _owe_.”

“Sorry,” she says, sounding not sorry at all as she releases him. 

“You know—” he starts, a retort on his tongue but before he could get it out Yeri’s eyes widen dramatically as she sees something past his head and practically shrieks loud enough to deafen one of his ears.

“Ohmygod, ohmygod!” Yeri breaks away from him suddenly and rushes toward one of the many large advertisement wall behind him that lined all the subway stations of Seoul. “It’s Bad Decision, oppa!”

As though someone had reach into his chest and gives his heart a squeeze, Donghae stutters for a breath and his body tenses up as he slowly and unwillingly turn around and stares right into Hyukjae’s heated gaze fixed on him.

Out of the corners of his eyes he can see Yeri excitedly pointing at the new advertisement banner that appeared to replace the old CJ Chicken that used to be there everyday for the last month. Now is it Hyukjae’s face that adorn this subway station and Donghae finds himself frozen in his spot staring at the face of his ex.

Yeri hurries back to his side and grips at his arm, only to drags his stiff body toward the large banner lay out in glorious color and detail. “You heard of them right, oppa?!” she asks eagerly.

“Vaguely,” he answers distantly, still fixated at the poster with an intensity he is sure it would drill a hole in it. Hyukjae is lay out on a 2D flat surface, hanging on the wall of crowded subway station but everything about him feels alive as though he’s in the same space as Donghae and they’re sharing the same air.

With his hair an artful mess as Hyukjae slightly lean backward, revealing an expanse of smooth skin as his neck lay bare, and the collar of his too thin shirt is popped wide open to accentuate the sliver of skin peeking through, drawing all eyes to the shadows that run down . It’s a carefully restrained obscenity; provocative without being too lewd but still it set every fibers of Donghae’s being on fire.

On the banner, in black scripted text ‘Blue September’ is written across on the other side of Hyukjae’s and underneath that is the titular Bad Decision’s logo and a date of the new album release advertised for all passerby to see.

“But you used to work at a _music_ store,” she points out, eyes narrowing.

Reluctantly tearing his eyes away from the banner, he steers his attention back to Yeri and shrugs. “In college and it was just to pay the bills.”

“You’re so boring, oppa,” she whines and drops her hand on him to look at the banner with a profound grin. “They were an indie band, you know? I heard that they used to play in dive bars and underground clubs all over Seoul before the public caught on to how amazing they are and they exploded into popularity ever since. And now they have their fifth studio album and their songs are constantly topping the chart, can you believe it?”

_Yes I can_ , Donghae doesn’t say.

“I couldn’t even get ticket to the last tour because it was sold in seconds,” she complains, a sulky expression adorns her face but it is quickly overrides with sheer determination. “Next time I’ll definitely get it!” 

“I’m sure you will,” he says, and he doesn’t doubt it for a second.

“Wait,” Yeri says, looking at him all hopeful, “aren’t you guys from the same hometown?”

Donghae swallows around the sudden rush of bitter feelings that Yeri’s accidentally brought up with that question. “It’s may be a small town but it’s not true that everyone knows everyone there,” he says and it’s only a half truth.

“ _Boring_ ,” she says, lips protruding in another sulking pout.

Donghae roll his eyes. “Yes very boring indeed,” he says and pointedly looks down at his watch. “Now don’t you have a train to catch in five minutes?”

Yeri’s eyes widen in realization. “Oh right, bye oppa! See you tomorrow,” she says, dashing out into the crowd with a wave of her hand at him before it swallow her completely.

Donghae should also be on his way too, his train will arrive right after Yeri’s, but he remains rooted in his spot, turning around to peer at the banner of Hyukjae again.

Hyukjae used to hate it, Donghae muses. “I can’t be the face of the group,” he had said once before the band first official photo shoot all those years ago and Donghae had done his best to soothe away Hyukjae’s insecurities. He’d pressed his lip up against all of Hyukjae’s perceived imperfection and told him they didn’t know what a treasure they have because only Donghae did.

Now he looks like he belong on front page of fashion magazine or a centerfold piece people would pay a single copy just to see him splayed out like--beautiful, untouchable, and just out of their reach. And even here in this crowded subway station where Hyukjae appears right in front of him and as close as he can be, Donghae knows this is just an illusion, a shadow of his larger than life profile.

Back then Donghae was afraid of a lot of things, failing out of his classes, paying the bills, Hyukjae and the band never given the chance, and the big bright light of Seoul’s swallowing a small town boy like him up but he didn’t think it would ever be that one day Hyukjae would soon outgrow him, outgrew their relationship.

Oh to be woefully wrong.

Donghae reaches a hand out, pressed it up against the banner and his fingers tracing the dip of Hyukjae’s collar bones that peek through his shirt, carefully and reverently. His finger trails upward, up Hyukjae’s neck and toward the define jawline till it finally fall on his lips. He maps the place he must have kiss a hundred times that even now the memory burn his fingers at the thought of it.

The impression of a kiss, the memory of the past, and all the could haves and should bes, it’s right there in front of him.

He bring the fingers toward his lips and before he could do anything truly embarrass he manages to catch himself in time, face going red. _What was he even doing?!_ He’s not seventeen anymore, caught up in the flush of youth and sold on the idea of happy ending. That part of him has died along everything of Hyukjae he had snuffed out.

Donghae instead hastily pulls out his phone and snaps a picture before he decide against it.

It’s enough. It has to be.

“Are you a fan too?” a young girl asks, suddenly appearing beside him. Her pink phone with BD stickers all over is held out in similar manner as Donghae as she takes several picture of the banner.  

Somewhere in his bedroom, there’s a box tucked away under his bed and in that box it contains several unused concert tickets, CD albums that are well used and loved, old photographs of two boys stuck in a time of joy and youthful naivety, and memories that Donghae had desperately tried to locked away. “No.” He shakes his head. “No,” he says again,  “not at all.”

She looks at him and then down at his phone, where a sapphire blue BD’s fanclub keychain adorns it—it’s a limited edition BD fan club keychain only awarded to the first 100 fanclub members that registered when the fan club first open in its early days. Donghae had fought faulty Internet connection and 404 error messages to claimed the eighty-nine spot. Hyukjae had teased him about going the extra mile for something that Hyukjae could have easily pull string for him but he had seem pleased afterward, secretly smiling as he turned away.

The keychain is nearly a decade old and is so worn out that the color is scratched off but Donghae never once consider taken it off, even when he tried to erase every part of Hyukjae from his life.

“Really,” she says doubtfully, scrutinizing him over. “You know there’s nothing embarrassing about being a fan at your age. Music is for everyone and Bad Decision is one of the best band if not the best out in the music scene currently.”

“I hate them actually, their music disgust me,” Donghae says hollowly, taking several steps back from her. He makes a run for it as soon as he sees her darken face and the pinch between her brows as she is ready to unleash hell on him—the way he used to get whenever someone had insulted Bad Decisions in the olden days.

“You bastard--!” the girl shouts at his back but Donghae is already off, feet carrying him as far away from her as possible as though he can’t get far enough from the girl but somewhere in the back of his mind, in the twist of his heart, he knows what he’s running away from isn’t her at all.

But even that won’t save Donghae.

“— _but it_ _’s true, I haven’t got a clue without you_ , ” he hears Hyukjae croons over the subway station radio. “ _And this September you left me dyed in blue_.”

 

\---

 

Five years ago in a brisk September days, just on the heels of summer, two boys met and then parted way. Two hearts were broken that day or so he thought. Maybe it always been one.

 


End file.
